How many times can I use the word “bad” in the first sentence describing this movie? “Ripe” is a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, and I want to say again, bad movie. Eleven, but it deserves maybe 64.
And not in the 80’s sense of the word “bad,” as in, “Man, that was a bad skateboarding trick.” Or, “That was a bad ninja-kick, Leonardo,” but bad as in, if you rented this movie and it wasn’t from a nice place like Zoo Video, then you should demand your money back.
I’ve never written a newspaper article before, so I tried to be professional and take notes while I watched this movie. Turns out that was a mistake. The last half of my notes are just various curse words followed by vague phrases and a desire to no longer watch this movie. Nevertheless, I persevered for my loyal readers.
So, let me break down my notes: First, this movie was not picked out by me, but randomly off the shelves by my fellow staff writer, Jenni. I blame her for the fact that I wasted 1 hour and 30 minutes of my life. Therefore, she owes me dinner or something.
I should have known this wouldn’t be a good movie when an advertisement for Chairman of The Board was the opening for this flick. For those who are not familiar with Chairman of the Board, it is Carrot Top’s piece de resistance. Yikes!
Ripe is about two girls who run away after their crazy-ass parents die in a car crash, which I still don’t understand. I think they hit a deer and the car exploded.
Please stop reading now. I hear that Cory Habicht wrote a good sports article this week. Go check it out.
Still with me? Why? Anyway, these two sisters run away to live the high life that an Army base entails.
I’d like to now interject that I grew up on a military base. Military bases do not have Cessnas flying around, revolvers littered throughout random boxes, and, at least to my knowledge, long haired burly vegetarian men who mow lawns and buy pornography for the men of the base.
But, this one does. The burly man on this base who trims hedges and makes runs to “adult readeries” is named Pete (Gordon Currie, who seamlessly portrays such a good pedophile, that it’s scary, and whom you can also catch in the ultra-Christian flick, “Left Behind;” or so I’ve been told) later on, Uncle Pete.
Somehow, Pete and these two sisters, whose names aren’t even worth mentioning, wind up living together. Pete is a pedophile. So, if you are still reading this, stop please.
One of the two girls is portrayed as hotter than the other. They are 14! The “pretty” one, Monica Keena, who some may know as the girl who fell off the dock on “Dawson’s Creek,” or so I’ve been told, is the object of Pete’s affection. The “other” one, Daisy Eagan, who some remember from nothing, (I looked this one up myself), learns to shoot guns from an MP named Ken, played by Ron Brice, who seemed intelligent and must have owed someone money, is a cross between Chris Rock and Bubba Gump.
I guess there are some people who think this is some avant-garde movie, because it deals with a touchy subject. These people are wrong. This is an example of a movie that no one wanted to be made, and in spite of that, was made. Anytime you have a scene of a 14-year-old masturbating on top of a garbage can, for God’s sake, turn off the movie!
The highlights of this movie are as follows: When the large woman in the strange dress got saluted, and when my roommate shot Coke out of his nose. (I accidentally hit stop on the VCR remote, and “Space Ghost” was on.)
The final highlight of this movie was closed captioning. This is a seriously underrated feature of the RCA television I own. It let me read things that I couldn’t hear, due to people complaining about how terrible this movie was.
So, to sum up, I’m going to help you out with a formula:
X{y} Z (RM4) T / K3(5E)
Where:
X= Pedophile, Y= Army Base, Z= Guns, R= Deer, M= Exploding Car, T= Vomit, K= Closed Captioning, and E= Sam’s Choice out of my roommate’s nose.
All of it adds up to me telling you NOT to watch this movie. Feel free to watch other movies, just not this one. The clerk at Zoo Video is nice.
Ever get tired of reviews about movies that you don’t care about? Each week, staff writer Sean Bilichka will review a rented movie as selected by the populace of Western Carolina University. If you have a suggestion for a movie for Sean to review, or want to comment on reviews that Sean has already given, e-mail seanhatesmovies@netscape.com.
