Okay, another week, another review. This week’s review was sent to me by Dr. Ambrose H. Burnsides, III, Director of the Ambrose School of Mime. “I submit to you the melodic title of “Cabin Boy” for your consideration as a sublime celluloid dream. You would be most wise and most enbiggoned with joy to review such a gustatorial treasure of cinema.” Well, as a loyal reader, you should know one thing about me. I use really small words. So I showed this to a few friends, and pretty much it confirms my suspicions; you want me to review “Cabin Boy.” Well, grab a warm bowl of chum, and sit down, because this movie is really funny in that retarded, stupid way. The story of “Cabin Boy” follows ‘fancy lad’ Nathanial Mayweather (Chris Elliott) as he goes on a voyage to become a man. What is a fancy lad? Well, whatever you do, don’t go to http://www.fancylad.com to find out. I SAID DON’T GO THERE! You didn’t listen, huh? Well that’s what you get. A fancy lad is basically a little rich boy who has everything made and makes fun of everyone around him. Everyone hates a fancy lad, even other fancy lad’s. But this is the story of only one fancy lad, Nathanial Mayweather. Young master Nathanial believes he is boarding a luxurious cruise ship, when actually he boards the fishing vessel, ‘The Filthy Who….’ You can’t say what it really is in a newspaper, but use your imagination. Guess who tricks Nate Dogg into getting on the boat? Dave Letterman! In fact, this movie is chock full of late night stars. Andy Richter, the portly gent from Conan O’Brien, plays the original cabin boy of the ship. As with every movie I review, zany stuff happens. Pipes are cleaned, fish stick kitties are eaten, shark-men beat up giant hardware salesmen, and a floating hallucination cupcake spits tobacco. Hi-jinx is pretty much the word people who write better than me, like Roger Ebert would use. This movie is all about expectations. If you think you are going to see some gripping drama (Will he ever re-unite with his father?) or some dripping satire (Are the fishermen an allegory for the corporation, whilst the ‘cabin boy’ is merely a middle class worker?) you are going to really hate this movie. However, if you just want to see a really dumb movie that will make you laugh, give this one a shot. BONUS REVIEW: firstname.lastname@example.org said my reviews suck. But he followed that with a “j/k,” which some of my internet pals told me he was ‘just kidding.’ So I should respond with something like this…. =). There ya go jeffaction, have a smiley face. And this bonus review goes to you. “James Bond, Jr. in ‘A Chilling Affair” was what I watched right before “Cabin Boy.” It was purchased from Video Update. Sorta. Anyway, I watched with fixed attention this cartoon blast from the past, and here is my review. James Bond, Jr. has one FIERCE mullet! So do all his friends, even the girl. Everyone on the show does except I.Q. the boy genius. The thing that bothered me most about this movie was it’s portrayal of ninja’s. As you all know, I am a proud supporter of all things mullet. Call me stereotypical, but when I think of a ninja, I think of a slender East Asian. This cartoon busts that stereotype to pieces. The chunky, British ninjas shown in the cartoon seem to always be one step ahead of Bond. The ninjas even smoke, as evidenced by a pack of matches one leaves behind at a crime scene. The story is that Dr. No (unlike the Dr. No of the movies, he’s portrayed here as 7 feet tall, green, and with a combination of the Wolverine cut and a mullet) is attempting to revive a cryogenically frozen criminal in order to conquer the world, and only the nephew of the world’s number one superspy can stop him!Ok, stop and think about this a minute, though. James Bond, Jr. is James Bond’s nephew, or his brother’s son. So if James Bond, Jr. is really a Jr., wouldn’t that mean his father was also named James? This cartoon was really good. I found myself biting my nails at what would happen. Would Bond save the day? I can’t say, of course, but the attack chopper scene puts any present day cartoon to shame. Because present day cartoons don’t have attack choppers, they have like huggy bunny smile machines. Kids these days are too soft. So go check this out, if you can find it. And you won’t be able to, because I own the only copy to survive the “Burning of all Violent Cartoons.” But you can still try really hard, and maybe your dream will come true, for when you wish on a huggy bunny smile machine, anything is possible. Shout out to my mom, whose birthday is Thursday. Happy birthday mom.Your Pal,SeanEver get tired of reviews about movies that you don’t care about? Each week, staff writer Sean Bilichka will review a rented movie as selected by the populace of Western Carolina University. If you have a suggestion for a movie for Sean to review, or want to comment on reviews that Sean has already given, e-mail email@example.com.