Leafy greens or leafy doom?

Earlier this year, an outbreak of E. coli spread to more than two hundred individuals, all of whom, coincidentally, were members of the “Spinach Fan Club.” Shortly after recovery, many of the members filed a joint lawsuit against “Big Spinach” in an effort to pay hospital bills, as well as receive compensation for overwhelming mental anguish.The Spinach Fan Club, known for its slogan, “Spinach, it’s the other green vegetable. No, the other one, you’re thinking of lettuce,” was shocked into action when several of their members fell ill after the semi-annual, “Raw, Unwashed Spinach Eating Contest.” When reached for comment, an anonymous member of the Spinach Fan Club commented on the disaster.”You know, it’s like, spinach is already a pretty lame vegetable, but now with the threat of E. coli, it’s really making me wonder why we eat it at all. Lettuce is just a superior leafy green, if you think about it. Who eats a spinach salad?”Upon being questioned about why the anonymous interviewee was a member of the Spinach Fan Club at all, she responded with, “I have to go, or else I’ll get the hose again.” The interview ended abruptly after that point.When reached for comment over the newly dubbed “Spinach Massacre,” Big Spinach released a press statement addressing the hundreds of spinach fans across the nation.”That’s spinach? Man, I just haven’t mowed over there for a while. I thought those were weeds. I’m not even a farmer, what are you doing in my yard?”The evasive language is no new policy for Big Spinach, as was proven by the highly-publicized court case that took place in the early nineties, Popeye v. Big Spinach, in which the famous actor brought charges against Big Spinach for what his lawyer described as, “years of spinach abuse.””Oh, sure, it gave me a boost when I needed it, but it was artificial, you know, just a high,” Popeye divulged in an interview with Barbara Walters, “Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night shaking. I’d just lose it, you know? That’s what spinach does to you, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s a terrible thing, I just want some justice. Aguhguhguh!””And you know what else?” He continued, “I actually went to a doctor, a trained professional, and you know what he said to me, Barbara? Before he even ran any tests or anything, he just walked into the office and yelled ‘those arms ain’t right.’ That hurts me, you know? It’s humiliating.”Researchers at the Food and Drug Administration obtained several samples of the tainted spinach, and after running several minutes worth of exhaustive tests, came to the conclusion that, “It’s probably molecules or a platy-a-sifila-gram or something. What is this, anyway? Lettuce?”Though the evidence may be remarkably stacked against Big Spinach, there is still some doubt as to whether or not the Spinach Fan Club has a case at all. A completely random person on the street, who could possibly have been an expert in spinach studies, said of the case, “No one made them eat it.”Once infected by the E. coli, victims suffer from intense dehydration and bloody diarrhea. Some extreme cases have even reported a type of kidney failure known as hemolytic uremic syndrome. To date, three people have died from consumption of spinach.This issue has suddenly become a hot topic on the Western campus, as dozens of students have begun reporting infection and symptoms of E. coli poisoning. In response to the sudden outbreak, a medical professional released the following comment:”If you’re currently experiencing dehydration, bloody diarrhea, and kidney failure, it’s very unlikely that you’ve been infected by spinach. A much more likely scenario is that the student has simply eaten at Brown Cafeteria, in which case the symptoms are entirely normal and students should not be concerned.”