It’s not you, it’s me

Despite any possible good things that could happen in a relationship, I have always focused on the cold realities of what bad things could come from the pursuit of love. I’m not a perpetual pessimist, I swear! It’s just that I rely on logic and knowledge to make decisions. And logic says that the majority of relationships do not work out. Though logic can be useful, I think it’s become my downfall in relationships. Instead of telling you about my problems with guys, I want to tell you about my problem with me.I must tell you that I’ve written this article about five times. I’ve tried to write about different conflicts I have with men, to talk about different relationships, and to approach the subject in a variety of formats. But it hasn’t worked yet. So I am going to give this one last go, one honest, cathartic go at telling you readers what’s really going on.Though I am a female, I have never approached relationships the way most girls do. While the typical girl can easily get bogged down in the emotional connection of dating and love, I have generally avoided attachment in relationships. Why? Because relationships offer too many unknown factors. The unknown is an ever-present terror that threatens to dissolve any budding intimacy. Does he even like me? What do I have to offer him? Where will it go after I graduate/move/go home for the summer? Many questions, few answers.The threat of not being able to logically approach something scares many people, including me. I like answers and plans. I like to know what is going on, to be aware of the context surrounding a situation so I can analyze every detail to my heart’s content. Except, I have recently found that this does not always work.We’ll call him Guy X. Guy X and I have been friends for quite a while. We have developed a deep friendship that has lasted through, and perhaps been strengthened by, school problems, family issues, and failed relationships. After Guy X’s last failed relationship, I realized that I may like him as…more than a friend. Classic girl mistake: She gets rid of a perfectly good friendship because she falls for her best guy friend. Right? That’s exactly why I tried to talk myself out of it. Because I avoid attachment, I have become a master at putting up emotional walls. Guy X was no different. Initially, I acted the same way I always have: standoffish, refusing to commit to how I felt, putting up that wall. But the truth has hit me in the face: I can’t keep doing this to myself. After years of walls, I’ve met someone who makes me want to tear them down. And now, I have suddenly realized that sometimes you just have to give up in order to get anything out of life. If I like this guy, if I possibly could love him, it seems that logic just won’t get me where I need to go. Because sometimes love doesn’t make sense. Sometimes it can’t be logical or predictable or provide all the answers to your questions. Sometimes you just have to take down your wall and get over yourself. We need to stop blaming our relationship problems on other people, and we need to own up to our mistakes and flaws. And that’s exactly what I intend to do.