GWAR Consumes Downtown Asheville in a Blood-Soaked Rage!!

Monday, October 6th, 2008 began as just another beginning of the week in Asheville’s “Leafer Season.” Unbeknownst to the vast majority of Ashevillians, a terrible torment was gunning into town, leaving a trail of bloody destruction in their wake. This monstrous force attracted its followers to their final destination: The Orange Peel. Upon hearing that “Death-Pod” is coming from the sky, the vast legions of disciples and curious minds bought all tickets available, selling out the venue. The event was just one stop on their “Electile Disfunction Tour 2008.” The gruesomely gory underground metal band GWAR hosted the event, bringing in reinforcements from the likes of Kingdom of Sorrow, and Toxic Holocaust. GWAR, a theatrical heavy-metal group has been playing for twenty-four years; since they began as art students at Virginia Commonwealth University in the vicious year of out lord 1985. Ever since, they have toured the world spreading doom and destruction through their stage shows, which include decapitation and dismemberment of celebrities, politicians, their arch nemeses, and alike. A GWAR concert is full of blood spray, gore, violence, comedy and of course ejaculation of alien life forms. Anyone who dares enter an arena showcasing GWAR should be fully aware that at anytime they may be splattered in alien blood and or semen, fed to the “World Maggot,” or otherwise accosted just for being a pathetic human. All of these scenarios are perfectly acceptable and indeed lusted after by the raving masses of GWAR fans, myself included.

Herein lays my tale of the occurrences of that fateful night. I thought it fitting to coordinate with my older brother Mattye, whom has been an Ashevillian for the past 17 years as well as an avid GWAR fan, to ride up to the show, in total Gonzo style, upon our obscenely loud V-Twin motorcycles. My lovely girlfriend Empress Rocks My Socks and I were to meet Mattye and his longtime friend Mat, yes spelled like the thing out front of your door, at a watering hole near the ‘Peel’ known as Hannah Flannagan’s, a quaint Irish Pub. Inside there were many, like us, who cared not for the opening acts, only for the main event. We fueled our growing bloodlust with a couple frosty pints and a round of Jagermizer shots. I had to abstain from having more than a couple, for earlier in the day, whilst still in Cullowhee, I had been diagnosed with the “Cullowhee Crud,” due to which I had been prescribed Cephalexin for the crud and Hydrocodine for my broken rib, which was aggravated by the crud’s incessant coughing. Pain-killers and drinking, while enjoyable to a reckless few, creates a very dangerous, and even sometimes deadly F*ckedupedness, for which I had no wishes towards. For after all, I am a respectable, responsible GWAR-fiend that also has to drive a recockulously fast and loud two-wheeled death-machine down the street to the concert. After departing the pub, we mounted our iron steeds, me donning my ever so popular “Skullface” mask, and ERMS strapping on my “Mohawk” helmet, then went roaring through all fifty meters down the road to the ‘Peel.’ GWAR had just emerged onto stage as we entered the a pit of absolute chaos and mayhem, all to the song “Salamonizer.” ERMS, being an art student herself, had never seen GWAR aside from old episodes of “Bevis and Butthead” until now, needless to say she was enthralled with the spectacle of men thrashing around on stage with costumes made of foam and rubber, covered in blood, wielding demonic weapons and playing their instruments to a murderous melody.

Suddenly the video screen came alive with John McCain rambling on about how he will destroy GWAR and more specifically “Bone-Crusher.” While he was ranting on about God-knows-what, a slave came out and hooked up ropes made of intestine to turnbuckles made of giant bones. Then Bone-Crusher came out with his “Intergalactic Wrestling Championship” belt and cussed out McCain, prompting Johnny boy to come out and let the match begin. McCain had the upper-hand until “Oderus Urungus,” lead singer of GWAR, spooked the candidate by chasing him around the ring with the severed head of a Vietnamese soldier, giving Bone-Crusher the opportunity to regain his strength. Immediately after coming to his feet, Bone-Crusher tore off McCain’s face in a blood-spurting frenzy, and if that wasn’t enough, they ripped off his chest and belly, and then proceeded to use his intestines as guitar strings. After the absolute carnage, more blood-drenched metal ensued. Right before performing “Crack in the Egg,” they asked the crowd if they wanted to do some hard-drugs… to which the Ashevillians gleefully cheered with enthusiasm. Upon the response from the crowd, Oderus demanded that the slaves bring him his ‘Crack’, a giant boulder labeled “CRACK,” which they then proceeded to eat. This was followed by Oderus getting a giant syringe full of “Smack” injected into his dangling member, which, is of course completely out and about for all to see. Succeeding the song was another video clip, this one entailed Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton competing for camera space all the while challenging Bone-Crusher and Oderus to a tag team match. Without hesitation, GWAR accepted, and the battle began. Aside from both Barack and Hillary’s shamelessly vying for the people’s attention, effectively neglecting each other in the ring, the scene was rather gruesome. As Barack was waiving to the crowd after a successful knockdown, Oderus regained his footing and proceeded to decapitate Obama with his bare hands, blood-spray ensued. This all occurred after I had just thought to myself, “Damn, this is going to be a republican hating free for all spectacle for the sake of Asheville’s liberal peace-mongers.” Damned if I wasn’t mistaken, GWAR cares not what political association you puny mortals choose, they will consume all who stand in their way and humiliate those who don’t.

If beheading the first African-American presidential candidate wasn’t enough, Hillary also got her breasts torn off, blood-spray ensued. GWAR remained victorious. More music followed, mostly off their new album Beyond Hell. Suddenly after “A Short History of the End of the World,” a nine-foot tall war-machine crashed upon GWAR, clad in tank-treds, digital camouflage armor, Reagan’s head, and giant cannon arms. The “REAGANATOR” assaulted the Scumdogs with full force shock and awe. All seemed lost until a counter attack from Oderus and the “Balzac Jaws of Death” tore the cannons from the murderous machine rendering it helpless (symbolism anyone?). A final blow from Oderus’ giant claymore blew off the chest-plate of the “REAGONATOR,” revealing a small Sarah Palin at the controls, she was torn in half, blood-spray ensued. A good time was had by all, and GWAR continued the set with “War is All We Know.” The final wrestling match between GWAR and the Destructo-Clan was delayed by a rabid fiend (not part of the set) jumping on stage only to be beaten by both Orange Peel Security as well as Bone-Crusher, who received a good yelling to by Oderus saying, “Dammit Bone-Crusher, that’s what we have security for, don’t waste your time on pathetic human filth!” Then the mayhem of wrestling came to its main event, Oderus and Bone-Crusher VS. “Bozo Destructo” (giant mallet arm for a weapon) and “Sawborg Destructo” (Giant blood-spewing circular-saw blade arm for a weapon). Much blood-spray ensued, Oderus was scalped, but GWAR remained victorious. The last song on the official set was one of my personal favorites, not to mention one that I have never seen live: “Slaughterama.” To sum it up, Sleazy P. Martini (Band Manager) blows a “Smelly Hippie’s” head off, Oderus rips off a gothic kids face, and decapitates a Nazi-skinhead, blood-spray ensues. The show ended with an encore in which Oderus proceeds to ejaculate over the first couple rows of people during the song, fans rejoiced in the spewage from his loins. After the conclusion, the frenzied followers flocked into the streets, blocking the streets and terrorizing those who knew not what they were witness to, blood-spray ensued.

Res Ipsa Loquitur