CORY’S COLUMNThe Biggest Mistake This Paper’s Ever Made

As spring approaches, and retreats, and approaches again here in Cullowhee, we know that the season of renewal will eventually have its affect here in this little mountain town. Yes, new flowers, new leaves … new sports editors?

Yes, when my compadre Daniel Hooker walks across the stage in a little under a month, his three-year reign ruling the back pages of the Western Carolinian will be over. In forcing away the tight grip he has held on the reins of this section, there will be many quandaries for me to answer before that fateful fall term arrives.

First off, I have to add my subtle changes to the pages to announce my presence at the top. This may mean that sports section staples such as the “Cobbler of the Month” and Servo’s wrestling column may retire with Hook. “Got Hook,” my superior’s now infamous column about road trips and fan upheaval, will too leave with my shade-studded mentor.

So, what ever will I come up with to replace such loved tales of the alternative sports world? First off, I will need a new name for the column. As several ideas bounced around my head, I came up with a few. It is hard, however, to come up with anything close to appealing after earning a nickname like “Corndawg” last semester.

I figured the best way to pick a truly authentic title was to wait until the last second, run through a dictionary, and use the first three words I find with a few articles and prepositions to make the most random, unusual, and meaningless title I could find. This will avoid any undo stress augmenting the fact that I will be a one-man staff.

Here arises the second question mark for my future office. With Hook and Brett, being the only other two people writing in the section, graduating, there is a strong possibility I will have no social life– I mean, I will have to write the whole sports section (same thing). I can see how this could directly interfere with the binge drinking and constant sleeping to which I have become so accustomed at this fine university.

I have talked to a few people about writing for me, but I wouldn’t exactly call them English majors. Oh well, hopefully someone will do what I did last semester and just get lost, wander in, and start writing articles.

Here again I find that the stress level reduces dramatically if I persistently convince myself that the problem will fix itself. I see no reason to abandon the theory that has brought me so far (well not that far, but come on, this is Western).

I know by now you must be anxiously waiting for the new fall term. Who knows what could be in the section, or if there will be a section at all? Muuahaha.

Yes, I think there could be many more pressing issues to base a section on instead of sports. Sure, football and basketball are alright, but there are so many other things out there.

I may decide to change the entire section all together, concentrating mostly on African monkeys and space travel. Or I may delve into the psychic possibilities of sea horses being administered electro-shock therapy. Who knows, depends on what I feel at the time, and if I’m taking my medication regularly.

Either way, it promises to be a crazy year where anything, and I mean anything, goes once you flip past the features section. The only thing I will assure you about this new section is that I have no idea what it will be like, so stay tuned…