Harry Potter: Bring a Ten-Year-Old to Translate

Somewhere in an undisclosed location, large bearded men are coercing children. The children are then herded like cattle into unmarked trains. Upon arrival, they are separated and hazed. The goal? To make the students elite practitioners of dark and ancient arts.

The name of the location? Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Yeah, so I went and saw Harry Potter, with my mother actually. I think we brought the average age up in the movie theatre all the way to like, 13. The kids who watched the film that day knew everything in the Harry Potter universe. I had to get some 10-year-old next to me to explain what a “muggle” was. A muggle is a non-magic-using person. Durr.

If you don’t know who Harry Potter is, he’s a wizard in training. It’s also a literary phenomenon that’s gotten kids to read again. Of course, it only makes sense to make a book that relies on imagination and turn it into a movie. So, here ya go kids that didn’t feel like reading, you won’t be left out now.

Last thing I’ll get into before talking about the movie is religious nuts. I’ve come to accept that I’m probably destined to go to “the bad place.” I can imagine St. Peter opening the book and reading all of the bad things I’ve done. Cheating, lying, stealing, fornicating, and now…seeing Harry Potter.

Outside of the movie theatre, people were warning parents that Harry Potter was evil, and by taking their children to see it, they faced eternal damnation. I think eternal damnation should be reserved for the parents who took their kids to see “Inspector Gadget.”

Anyway, back to the movie. Young Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) lives a Cinderella-before-the-prince life with his mean aunt and uncle, his parents having died mysteriously in what Harry was told is a car crash. On his eleventh birthday, he begins to receive invitations to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His uncle will have none of it. He attempts to keep the letters from reaching Harry. This all leads up to a giant named Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane) kicking doors and giving a fat boy a pigtail.

This was a really long movie. I was impressed that the kids had a longer attention span then me. I was falling asleep when they got to Hogwarts.

So, Harry experiences the joys that living at a boarding school brings. I think he has a crush on Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) but I’m not sure. He should pass her a magical “Do you like me?” note. John Cleese pops in to do some retarded stuff. He’s some kind of ghost. Harry even has a mean potions teacher, Professor Snape (Alan Rickman). He is a member of the Gryffindor house, which is the goody-goody kids. The thugs are all it the Slytherin house. The stairs move, the paintings talk, and there is a three-headed dog upstairs. It’s just your run of the mill magic school.

They play a flying hockey type game called quidditch which the aforementioned 10-year-old was really excited about. Harry is the “seeker” which is kind of like the quarterback. His team wins. Go Gryffindor!

This movie made like 945 trillion dollars on its opening weekend. J.K. Rowling is the second richest person in England, under the Queen right now. She plans on marrying Bill Gates and purchasing us all soon. English majors: the money is in the kiddy books.

That’s about all I’ve got on Harry Potter. I liked it, and sorta understood it. Not like the kids who read the books, but somewhat. Go rent it when it’s out on video. Relive the joys of being a kid, having an imagination, and not having to study for a psychology test during Thanksgiving break.