This one goes out to my roommate, and the mice of “Redwall”. If you are in the know about the mice of “Redwall,” then you my dawg.

Okay, so my roommate buys this movie called “Lisztomania” for three bucks. Here’s a quote for you from him: “This movie looks terrible, but it was only three bucks so…”

He got robbed. Here are three things to spend $3 on, other that this awful movie.

1. a pack of cigarettes

2. A pair of 40’s

3. $6 worth of meal points

I don’t know where to start with this movie. Fans of The Who will be glad to hear that Roger Daltrey is the star. Other people will say “So?” when you tell them this fact. Ringo Starr has a cameo as the pope. Again, you won’t impress anyone by knowing this. Franz Liszt was a real composer. This movie pretty much follows the premise of, “What if composers acted like rock stars?” This movie also follows the premise of, “What happens when people make movies while on drugs?” The second one I can answer myself. You get pieces of feces like this flick.

So, the beginning has Liszt having a sword duel with some Baron or Earl or Duke or whatever because he is sleeping with the Baroness or Earless or Duchess. “The 13th Warrior” had a similar opening, featuring

Antonio y Banderas and his… how do you say? Ah yes… hair. Liszt wins the duel and the heart of whatever random royalty you want the girl to be. They elope and get married.

But the only true love of Liszt is the road. He tours the country, bringing teenage girls the joys of classical piano. The crowd chants his name and women fall at his feet. He is loved throughout the land by everyone except for one, the brooding Richard Wagner (Paul Nicholas).

Wagner tries to get Liszt to develop more musically, beyond

“Chopsticks.” Sorta like telling Britney she needs to start singing opera….

Liszt will have none of it. Wagner goes out to join the communist revolution. Liszt grows more and more famous.  Wagner turns into a vampire. This movie gets more and more weird. I get really confused.

Liszt has lots of sex and there are many R-rated porn scenes. Whee! It still doesn’t help. If I wanted 1970’s boobies, there are many other options. That includes the fantastic “Debbie Does” series. In one of the bizarre sex scenes, Liszt sprouts an appendage that would have made a certain art display in the Belk building proud. If everyone else in the paper can do penis jokes, I can too. So I’ll just say now, this film is a real wiener!

In what I guess is an attempt at social criticism, they have Ringo Starr play the pope. I didn’t catch much of this scene because I fell asleep. But the International Movie Database had something to say about

Starr’s performance, here, I’ll summarize it for you: “He sucks.”

One guy I do like is Kool Keith. My favorite thing about Kool Keith is how he has all these different personas. One album he’s Dr. Octagon, the next he’s Black Elvis.

So I wake up, and Richard Wagner has turned into a Frankenstein-type Hitler monster, with a guitar that shoots bullets. Liszt tries to stop mecha-Hitler, only to be foiled by a woman with a voodoo doll of Liszt, who uses it to finish the composer off. Now anyone who knows me knows I like voodoo. Using voodoo to off Liszt made me happy, and was definitely a highlight of the film. Go Voodoo!

Here is the end of the movie. Liszt is dead, in heaven, playing piano with some angels. They catch word of Wagner’s Franken-Adolf rampage. So they form together a magic spaceship, Power Ranger-style. They go to earth, and laser Wagner to death. The End!

I called my mom to ask if people in the 1970’s were mildly retarded. She said no, but they did have a lot of problems with people who were

poisoned by D.D.T. That’s what I am going to use as the reason this

movie was made. Everyone involved in this film, even the Best Boy’s and

Lighting Grips, were afflicted as children with D.D.T. poisoning. It’s

sort of sad in a way….

Well, that’s this week’s review. Stay away from this movie like it was dog poop on a stick. And for the love of Pete, write me an e-mail! You only call when you want money; me and your father do nothing but worry!

Ever get tired of reviews about movies that you don’t care about?  Each week, staff writer Sean Bilichka will review a rented movie as selected by the populace of Western Carolina University.  If you have a suggestion for a movie for Sean to review, or want to comment on reviews that Sean has already given, e-mail