Dan Akroyd + Tupac Shakur = Nothing But Trouble

Last week, some jerk named Staff Writer took over my column. Sorry about that. I’m back now. Let us dip into the reader mailbox and see what we have in store….

This comes from Whit.

“A couple of movies to consider: ‘Nothing but Trouble’, from about 1992. Has John Candy, Dan Akroyd, Demi Moore.  Called a “gothic comedy” on the box.  Very funny and unusual.  Have a copy you can borrow if interested.”

Well thanks for the offer, Whit, but I scraped together a dollar and rented it myself. So here is the review, just for you.

Remember Digital Underground? You know, the Humpty Dance guys. Yeah well, guess who was a member of the Digital Underground? Tupac Shakur. So here is Tupac’s first movie. Tupac was the man.

He should have been the leader of the Digital Underground and not that guy with the gold nose thing. I wonder whose decision it was to have Humpty head the group, and not ‘Pac. Whoever it was, I hope he was fired. Talk about a mistake.

If you count the number of words to ‘mistake’, there are 187 words. Everyone knows that ‘Pac’s favorite number was 187. Is this paper written by Tupac Shakur? The mystery continues….

So about this movie: there is a lot of zany stuff happening. You got Dan Akroyd as some judge that has leprosy or something like that, where his body parts fall off. You have John Candy as a Sheriff (and in another mystery role), Demi Moore and Chevy Chase as rich folk trapped in a place that makes ‘Deliverance’ look like Disney World.

(This is not a slight at Disney at all. I am still awaiting your free tickets for mentioning your fine films in previous issues.)

My favorite part of this movie was the train that delivers hot dogs. It’s one of those model trains, and the cars are filled with mustard, and ketchup, and relish, and of course the buns and franks. So you just sit at the table and the train comes around and brings your hot dogs to you.

I think I’m gonna suggest this to the folks at Brown Cafeteria, so expect to see the “Wiener Express” coming to a stop at your table soon!

The Internet Movie Database gave this movie 3 and a half stars. Out of 10. Imdb.com really sucks for reviewing movies though. So don’t go by what they say. I’m the reviewer here, and I say at least 207 stars out of 314. At least.

The only thing imdb.com is good for in fact, is telling you who did the most obscure things in movies. Like this, did you know that in this movie, Laurence Bilzerian plays ‘Town Biker 1’? Well, now you do. Call your mom and tell her. Then ask for money.

The other highlight of this movie is “Mr. Bonechipper.” “Mr. Bonechipper” is a roller coaster that kills you, separates all your flesh, and shoots your bones out onto a target, to the delight of all.

My editor said to write something about the plot, so here we go!

The plot of this movie is that two Manhattanites (Demi Moore and Chevy Chase) receive a ticket in a small town for not stopping at a stop sign by a sheriff of Valkenvania (John Candy).The small town judge (Dan Akroyd) assigns the couple and their two Brazillian traveling companions (Taylor Negran, Bertila Damas) death for running the stop sign. Look at what a journalist I am, here is a quote for you.

Chris Thorne (Chevy Chase): Death for running a stop sign?

J.P. (John Candy): And for being a banker. That’s the double death.

So, the couple attempts to convince the judge not to execute them. Antics ensue. Bones are chipped and hot dogs are mustarded. Is mustarded a word? Word 2000 says it is.

This movie critiquing stuff is fun. And I don’t even get paid. This week, I got a total of two e-mails, which is an all-time high! So feel free to just tell me about your day, or how much I suck, or how you could do this better at seanhatesmovies@netscape.net . I’ll read ’em all.

To the other guy who sent me an e-mail, Dr. Ambrose H. Burnsides, check the paper in two weeks, I think you will be delighted with the whole “Cabin Boy”-themed paper I am trying to get done. Of course, it won’t happen, but at least my movie review of it will be there.

Okay, so to reiterate, this movie has Tupac, a judge with leprosy, a hot dog delivering train, Demi Moore’s breasts, and a roller coaster that chips bones, and you want me to say it’s bad? Not going to happen. Great movie, go check it out. Disney, I want them free tickets, I haven’t been on Space Mountain since I was a kid. See you guys later. And picture me rollin’.