I saw a play on Friday. Since no one does play reviews, I will take it upon myself to review the play. I liked it very much. I would like to present Sasha Navarro with the Western Carolinian Oscar, and I would also like to congratulate Samantha Larson on the Funniest Costume of the Year. Everyone should go see a play, or at least watch a movie of a play. Okay, back to reviewing movies, which I don’t get paid for.
In the seedy bars and underground clubs throughout America, a hidden danger lurks. Like the disease that killed all our elms, this hideous threat originated in the country of Japan. I speak of the menace that is karaoke. What the hell am I talking about? I don’t know anymore. Sometimes I think my hands just type, and I am not in control.
So, yeah, this movie, “Duets,” is about karaoke. If you don’t know what karaoke is, congratulations on escaping that Afghanistani cave, welcome to our free land, enjoy our meats and cheeses. Karaoke is when you get really drunk, and think you can belt out a tune as well as the original singer did, so you croon over his background music, to the misery of your friends and all other patrons.
This movie opened up a whole new category of scam artists for me: karaoke hustling. I haven’t been so excited since White Men Can’t Jump. Here is the set-up for a karaoke hustle, try this at home.
First, you have to be able to sing. Like Huey Lewis, who goes by the clever character name of … well the Internet is down AGAIN, which means I can’t look it up on imdb.com, so I will just make up a name. Buck McPheelson. Then you put on a pair of glasses! Tricky, huh?
Everyone knows that people with glasses can’t sing, just like how in Superman, everyone knows Clark Kent can’t be Superman because he wears glasses. Okay, so there you are with your glasses in a bar. You challenge the redneckiest redneck (Con mulletto? Si, senor) to a sing-off. Heck, challenge his manhood if you have to. When you get on stage, whip off them glasses, and let her rip!
That is about the lamest hustle I can think of.
There is a lot going on in this movie. You have all these people with ambitions to get to the Super Mega Universe Karaoke-a-thon 5000. Sort of like if the Mighty Ducks were into karaoke instead of hockey.
There’s Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow as a father/daughter team, a middle-aged exec going through a turtle-killing crisis and his partner, an ex-convict bank robber trying to settle down. These are the two most interesting teams, but there are others you might also like.
I missed a lot of parts in this movie because I was trying to fix the recliner I was sitting in. But from what I watched, about 80 percent, it was pretty interesting. It’s one of those character movies I like. It has life lessons and all that, but really I like it because I think karaoke is funny. So if you like karaoke, or hustlers, or karaoke hustlers, or people who kill turtles, go rent this. It has a sad, semi-predictable ending. Whee, there’s one movie.
Movie number two: Insane Clown Posse’s Big Money Hustlas. People at my fraternity house made me watch this crap, and I hate them for it. Here is the review. This movie is God-awful, and I want back the hour and a half of my life it drained.
Movie number three: It was a boring weekend, so I watched a lot of movies. This one was requested in last week’s paper. Well, sort of. Mary Beth requested Candyman, but all I could find was Candyman II: Farewell to the Flesh. It is a horror movie that involves many bees, and people being killed by a giant hook. To not get killed by the Candyman, just don’t say Candyman in the mirror five times. Not a very scary monster if you ask me.
Then, this morning when my roommate was brushing his teeth, he started singing the “Candyman” song from Willy Wonka in front of the mirror. After the fifth time he said “candyman”, this giant guy in a trench coat burst into my room, and tried to stab him with a hook. My roommate dodged. Then he locked himself in the bathroom like a pansy. To make a long story short, I beat up the Candyman and took his shoes.
Big ups to my pops, whose birthday was Monday. Big dis to Jeff Atkins, for ganking my parent’s birthdays ups. This review is dedicated to Microsoft Word 2000.
Ever get tired of reviews about movies that you don’t care about? Each week, staff writer Sean Bilichka will review a rented movie as selected by the populace of Western Carolina University. If you have a suggestion for a movie for Sean to review, or want to comment on reviews that Sean has already given,e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.