Blam blam blam.
The movie opens with Clive Owen (playing the same character he plays in Sin City, more or less) sitting on a bench and staring into the camera. He takes a bite of a carrot, then a sip of coffee. A pregnant woman runs past screaming, followed by a man with a gun. Clive Owen doesn’t like that. He ends up using one of the two aforementioned things (coffee and carrot) to kill people. Guess which.
Blam blam blam.
Following the brief introduction and a number of plot twists, Clive Owen’s character, Mr. Smith, ends up protecting a baby for various strange and nonsensical reasons. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is 90% of the plot of Shoot ‘Em Up. I’ll tell you right now, the story is a tad shallower than a half-filled kiddy pool. So, really, what’s to like here?
For starters, Paul Giamatti plays the villain, Hertz (no, really, that’s his name), and he is fantastic. Granted, Paul Giamatti–you may remember him as the picky wine-drinker from Sideways–isn’t the first person I think of when I picture a really nefarious guy, but his take on villainy is interesting, hilarious, and completely convincing. Well, it’s convincing for a sort of modern-day grind house flick. I don’t see him winning any academy awards for his acting here, but he really steals the show when compared to Clive Owen’s ‘stare forward and spout one-liners in a European accent’ acting method.
Boobs boobs boobs.
But don’t worry. As everyone knows, a good action movie consists of a certain formula: shooting + breasts = quality action movie. There are breasts enough for everyone. Monica Bellucci plays a prostitute (Donna Quintano) that specializes in a variety of freaky sex acts. Her introduction and her first five minutes of dialogue pretty much sum up her character for the entire movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She doesn’t really contribute or detract from the overall story. I suppose she plays her role pretty well, but I think of a freaky-sex prostitute every time I see a picture of Monica Bellucci anyway, so it wasn’t a huge leap in my mind.
Blam blam blam.
But really, this isn’t a story of revenge and it certainly isn’t a love story. Shoot ‘Em Up, simply put, is all about a body count that would rival that of Kill Bill. This isn’t a date movie, so if you’re looking for a nice little movie that you can forget about and hold hands with your sweetheart (or whatever you filthy people do in the back row), you might think about seeing something else.
Blam blam blam.
If you’ve ever wondered what a sex scene would be like if the main character kept on going at it while simultaneously killing a dozen bad guys, this may be your movie. Ever want to see a guy get stabbed in the eye with a carrot multiple times? This is probably the movie you’ve been waiting for. Most of all, if you just want to see an epic level of carnage and mayhem with no particularly coherent plot or roots in reality or rational thought, then Shoot ‘Em Up might just be your Godfather.
Overall, Shoot ‘Em Up gets two broken thumbs in the general direction of up.
