Campaign Rundown – 2007 Part Deux:

Politicians are scum, all of them, without exception. Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Independents, Liberals and Conservatives, anyone in politics should be shunned. They should be captured in the middle of the night by men in full riot gear, beaten with clubs, stripped of their United States citizenry and dropped (from orbit, preferably) on an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. They should be quarantined and looked down upon like the lepers they are – trailing bits and pieces of ethics and moral integrity that have shriveled, rotted and fallen behind them, forgotten, during their blind, lemming-like rushes to positions of power.But since the above ideas would be difficult to execute given the world climate these days (and the fact that any politicians worth uprooting are so entrenched that cockroaches study them in an effort to improve their own survival techniques), I suppose we’ll have to put up with the filthy degenerates for the foreseeable future. As such, I’d like to take a moment to comment on the top three Presidential nomination candidates from the Democratic and Republican parties. There are more than three, of course, but there is no shadow of a chance that any of those other political outliers will win more than some online contest that they never signed up for in the first place. And even the Nigerian Princes out there hesitate in trusting a portion of their fortunes to politicians.At any rate, the top three Democratic candidates, as I see them, follow:

Hillary ClintonClinton. Clinton, Clinton, Clinton. Bill Clinton. You remember him, don’t you? Sure you do, that sex addicted, saxophone playing, used-car-dealing, political employee-of-the-month that was President a couple of times a while back. You liked him, right? Bill Clinton, I mean. Who didn’t like Bill Clinton?Well if you liked him (and by “him” I mean “Bill Clinton), then you’re going to love his wife. Hillary Clinton. Whoah, whoah, don’t get confused, though, she’s totally affiliated with Bill Clinton. Also, don’t forget: Bill Clinton.Hillary Clinton is a political monstrosity. She has no soul, no ethics, no morals and no humanity. She will drop any name (Bill Clinton) and use any resource she can to claw her way to the Presidency. She is the result of so many contrived and cobbled together fragments of personalities that Frankenstein’s monster would be put to shame. I’m telling you, Hillary Clinton would literally put a saddle on her husband’s back and ride him all over the United States if she thought there was a vote in it for her. Her brain is a machine designed and wired in the most intricate, sinister, backwards, nonsensical and labyrinthine way. She is politics incarnate.Simply put, Hillary is so utterly vacuous a personality that not only will she kiss children for their parents’ votes, but she’ll kiss them with tongue to get that pedophile “To-Catch-A-Predator” vote. God help us if she becomes President.

John EdwardsEdwards, I think, is waiting patiently for the other candidates to screw up. Then, when they do, he thinks that he is going to strike like some sort of limp, lifeless cobra and strike them down with his political venom, eliminating them from the race and furthering his own cause. John Edwards is a man who loves it when football teams run out the clock instead of going for that final, last-ditch touchdown.But I’m not worried and neither should you be. Edwards will never be president. Already he has sabotaged himself with this whole inane “wait and see” strategy of his. Every single time one of his competitors makes a slight miscalculation or what he (read “he” as “his people”) perceives as an exposed weakness he rushes forth from his burrow and claws violently at their shins, his nose upturned and eyes wide, watery and wild.

Of course, to them and to us he just looks like a child tugging at the pant cuffs of the adults, whining about whatever issue his retainers have unearthed for him that day. The key to finishing off an opponent at their weakest moments is to not come off like a sniveling, jealous child while doing it and Edwards simply can’t pull any other image off.If he’s smart he’ll quit the race and cling to either Obama or Hillary’s neck like the giant, incompetent albatross that he is. Vice President still gets you into the White House, John, which is better than nothing, right? Right?

Barack ObamaI don’t have much to say about Obama because he seems to be the most genuine of the bunch. It seems as if he may have, at one point in life, been a reasonable human being that cared for the well-being of his fellow man. I’m hesitant to actually believe this and equally hesitant to think he could still be that person, but he has a combination of charisma and political wisdom that is easy to trust.I’m not saying he isn’t flawed. His campaign newsletters annoy me to no end and he’s licking at the wound Hillary Clinton inflicted upon herself (by being so utterly inane, pathetic and completely incapable of answering questions) at the most recent Democratic debate like a vampire bat attached to the underside of an oblivious cow, but in the grand scheme of things I expect my politicians to be irritating and thirsty for blood and he’s just barely shy of what I would consider excessive amounts of behavior in either category.If he doesn’t do anything horrible he could be president. Of course, this is working with the understanding that he is a black male and that is still a problem for some uneducated filth out there, but even so I think a black male has more of a shot than a white female. Which is pathetic on its own, but nothing about politics is pleasant.Now, the Democratic side of things is kind of bland and predictable. None of them have any particularly clever stances on things aside from being the first female, black or mildly retarded president. The Republicans, however, genuinely interest me in the way that horrible train accidents and documentaries about animal attack victims interest me.

Rudy GiulianiIn my fantasies Rudy Giuliani wins the Republican nomination and is beaten so utterly and soundly that he buys a plane ticket (first class, of course) to Europe and spends the rest of his days telling Queen Elizabeth II the story of how he single-handedly saved New York from those snarling, evil terrorists. She will clap and smile and be genuinely entertained by the antics of the man until, years later, she finally realizes the only thing he ever has to say about himself is “9/11, 9/11, 9/11”. At that point she’ll ask him for a different story and he’ll stutter and scratch his head and end up talking about how he wore a woman’s dress on SNL once and the Queen will probably get a kick out of that because Europe has a weird sense of humor.The man has no chance and if he, by some bizarre fluke, manages to secure the Republican nomination it will mean that the Republicans have finally given up on themselves and that the Democrats were right to assume that the race was a shoe-in from the start.

Fred ThompsonFred Thompson does not want to be the President, he just wants to see if he can be. If there was some way to filter and purify ego as some sort of illegal substance, Fred Thompson alone could supply the entire hemisphere with copious supplies of it. The man cares nothing for America or the people in it. All he wants is a feather in his cap.Thompson is the Emperor from Star Wars. I know, you would think that he would compare more readily to Darth Vader, but at the end of Star Wars Darth Vader did the right thing and saved his son. The Emperor, however, was utterly and completely evil and stayed that way from beginning to end without a moment of introspection or hesitation.If Fred Thompson was President of the United States we would celebrate an unprecedented period of absolutely nothing happening. Nothing good would happen and nothing bad would happen. It would be four years of utter neutrality; just Fred sitting, alone, in the oval office. Idly moving pens and paperwork from corner to corner of his desk and, occasionally, having a dinner party with his Hollywood pals. Even talking about the guy is boring.

Ron PaulRon has a strangely strong following on the internet, which is really all you can say in his favor. Unfortunately, like most things on the internet, people take Ron Paul about as seriously as a Livejournal entry about politics by an eighteen year old who protests and wears Che Guevara t-shirts just so he can post fashionable pictures of himself sticking it to the man all over his Myspace; which is to say that no one cares.And that’s kind of a shame. Ron Paul could be an interesting guy and he has some legitimately interesting stances on issues like the “War on Drugs” and such. I will never vote for him, however, since his little campus fan club decided to paste fliers with his face all over every car on campus that left a gross white imprint on my windshield. America has enough problems without having to go through a car wash every time some kid that has strong feelings about legalizing marijuana endorses some internet fad politician and decides to use liquid cement to remind us of his great their candidate is.

Filthy animals, one and all, clawing their way violently up the bare legs of democracy.

Just keep in mind that, regardless of how things turn out in the end, we’re all in this together. Remember that we are the United States, for better or for worse, and that anyone who would attempt to make us anything less than that stands against the whole point of America to begin with. The path ahead is a long, dark and twisting one. Remember your humanity, remember to be good to your fellow man (liberal, conservative or otherwise) and maybe, just maybe we’ll get through this thing after all.