Of course, no one deserves to be the victims of theft, but Einstein’s Deli charges something like sixteen dollars for a plain bagel. I’m not saying stealing a purse full of plastic silverware and sweet and low packets is okay, I’m just saying that in terms of theft, there’s plenty of accusations to go around.
In other news, the number of roaming gangs of disgruntled NASCAR pit crews here at Western are at an all time high. Are no one’s hubcaps safe?
Recently construction crews have noticed a string of thefts on campus sites. In retribution, all sidewalks and roads will be fenced off permanently. Upon hearing this news, Western students weren’t really all that surprised.
A student was recently ticketed for running a red light at the BB&T intersection, so in an effort to prevent future incidents, here’s a traffic tip for you: if there are not any random, oblivious students walking directly in front of your car as you are cruising down the mountain at 45 miles an hour, the light was probably red.
A female student was recently ticketed for speeding here on campus. She then proceeded to loudly complain about how expensive tickets are in every single class, every single day for the rest of her whole entire life. Yeah, nobody cares about your ticket. There, I said it. That goes double for parking tickets. How about you don’t double park across two handicap spaces, huh?
Next week in “Forging & Fabrication 101”: fake driver’s licenses! Finally, freshman will be able to buy cheap beer and alcohol! What a crazy concept!
Hey, you guys remember when that fire alarm was pulled in Scott? Sure you do! Probably because it’s gone off every hour on the hour since it was built. What a fun prank. It’s loud, get it? People are inconvenienced, haha. Scott sucks.
It’s like, I get that alcohol is fun because it makes you kind of stupid and goofy, but, you know, when you’re seventeen or eighteen years old, that’s kind of like taking a road trip to wherever you currently are. Kind of pointless.
Illusions? Bo-ring. The Cat’s Den? Yawn. The Leatherwood parking lot? Awesome.
Due to recent reports of property damage, all band people found laying around in the lobby of Coulter like screeching, tuba-playing landmines will be arrested and charged with any crime that has taken place anywhere in all of history on top of being ceaselessly annoying. Seriously, there are chairs around. People are trying to walk here.